


Thoughts

by CaptainKittah



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Gift Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 10:34:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2847851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainKittah/pseuds/CaptainKittah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With only the thoughts of Bucky—The Winter Soldier—the Christmas he'd thought taken a better turn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is for groovylabrat on tumblr c: (Angsty then fluff, kind of weird, but it's the best I could do for this c: I hope you enjoy! This is also un-beta'd, 'cause I thought I'd try beforehand, so.)

Three in the morning. While there was a party going on, Bucky wasn't necessarily able to completely enjoy it. In fact, he was sitting quietly in his room, slowly trying to figure out what exactly to do.

He could not stand the metal arm hanging by his side everyday. He couldn't stand looking in the mirror and seeing the face that had looked coldly at hundreds of thousands of people and watched as he snapped their necks, or something—something that he'd done to them.

He couldn't stand the loss of his life that'd been going so well, until everything was ripped apart from him.

Now he was doing better; not great, but he could look people in the eye without the constant reminder of his ledger being filled with red. Natalia helps him, throughout his worst, until Steve came.

Steve.

He confused Bucky to the extreme. Calling him the name of his best friend, although he was still in the border of Winter Soldier and James Barnes. Looking at him with kindness and letting him sleep in his room, fully aware that if any of the programming had come up, he would be the target.

Two conflicting targets. To protect, to destroy. His chest ached whenever he heard Steve mumble Bucky's name in his sleep—“I'm not him, I'm not, I can't be him, I've tried becoming someone else and it doesn't work!”—but he couldn't find it in him to tell him any of this. No, he accepted the polite smiles and the friendly gestures. The bed too comfortable for his liking, keeping him awake at some point of time. 

Natalia hangs around with Steve and they laugh, clearly comfortable with each other. They trust each other with their lives, and Bucky had compromised both.

Something in common.

“Hey, Buck.” Steve froze when he saw Bucky curled in the corner, starting to claw at his right arm, his leg—both which would have been compromised if HYDRA got their way. “Bucky?” He was shaking, a sheen of sweat covering his skin. His hands were clenched, and his lip trembling, Steve knew he was afraid. Of what, was the biggest question.

“Can't, can't do it.” The only English spoken, a tremor of unease heard evidently. “Can't.”

“That's alright,” Steve gathered the shaking assassin in his arms, making him freeze before collapsing into the embrace and giving way to the gentle murmurs. “They can't hurt you now.”

“They can, they'll find..” Bucky's lip curled in disgust as he looked at the metal arm. “They'll find this, and they'll wipe, and the chair—the..” He was silenced by the embrace, his words cut off. It was warm, making him feel conflicted, with his eyes wide and questions swimming through his mind.

“They won't be able to find you,” Steve's voice was gentle, and he curled around Bucky, eyes closing. Bucky's hand was covering Steve's, a moment in which he decided to take the initiative to squeeze the hand. Comforting. Only slightly, not as much as he thought.

“You're...”

“You're my friend,” Steve responded lightly. “We're friends.”

“Friends.” His eyebrows furrowed. “Lovers?”

“Not lovers—” Bucky felt a ghost of a smile as he saw the Captain's cheeks turn pink, obviously embarrassed. “—just best friends.”

“I don't know about that.” Where was this sudden confidence in Bucky's answer coming from? “He loved you.”

“He's told me that before, as friends.” Steve was clearly trying to make sense of what Bucky was saying, slowly moving away. No, physical contact was much appreciated at the moment, so he moved back after he realized that.

“He loved you more than friends, punk.” The name slipped out before he could help it, but it was worth the grin that spread on Steve's face. “Listen, pal, I may not remember much, but—” He was cut off by the feel of Steve's lips on his own, and he was surprised, pleasantly, he supposed. He didn't reject the emotions that came from kissing the Captain, which made his face feel hot and his stomach tie into knots. He didn't know whether it was himself or Bucky talking, really, but he'd decided a couple of weeks ago that he'd be more of a human, rather the weapon his mind had set originally. 

“Buck—” Steve paused, not knowing what to say. Bucky was still recovering his memories, it was wrong to do that, and—

“It's fine, Steve.” He found that kissing Steve made some of the conflicting emotions go away, since Bucky was still torn up about his feelings for the Captain, not being able to confess them before. Although, he wasn't completely sure if he saw mistletoes hidden in his room, but, if he really wanted to take another kiss, that was a great excuse. He didn't question why Steve went to his room, instead of being social at the party Stark threw for Christmas. He didn't question why he thought it'd be a wonderful idea to instead help a panicking asset—person, who was still in the stages of recovery he wasn't entirely sure he'd make. No, instead, he looked at Steve and kissed him softly, showing him what progress he's made.

He didn't want to continue thinking about the kids. Bucky wanted to be himself, not the asset.

And the way to do that was slowly recovering.

If that meant his memories weren't fully back yet, fine.

But he was going to do this in his own pace, and what a great way to spend his Christmas—slowly kissing the Captain and wishing his memories back.

Recovery was something he was going to do on his own, but hell, this was a great start for a transition from The Soldier, back to Bucky.


End file.
